


the art of loving you

by squishychan



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Canon Compliant, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lee Chan | Dino-centric, M/M, Mild Angst, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Polyamory, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2019-10-24 14:10:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17705738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squishychan/pseuds/squishychan
Summary: Where his soulmate's name should be, are a mess of scars instead. Not that Chan minds, however, because why should he? He's the one who put them there in the first place.(or; a soulmate AU wherein Chan learns the art of loving—all thanks to twelve hopelessly stubborn boys.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is a birthday fic for our precious, amazing, hella talented, sweet baby boy Lee Chan!!! i wish only the best for you bub!!!
> 
> this soulmate AU is weird, but essentially the reason why chan's name doesn't show up on the boys' wrists is bc when he attempted to destroy their's, his stark rejection didn't allow for his name to ever be inked. so pretty much at midnight on his 18th birthday, when their names finally showed, he freaked and tried to make them disappear, thus his own never had the chance to form on their wrists??? lmao this makes no sense :')
> 
> warning for semi-graphic(?) self harm in the middle of the chapter

"Channie," Jeonghan calls from the kitchen, the younger boy groaning miserably as he's forced to pause his movie, slipping his ear buds out with a roll of his eyes, "Can you come help me with dinner?"

 

"Do I have to?" He replies, "Can't you just get Gyu or Hoonie to help you?" The names inked in his skin pulsating under a patchwork of scars, a tingle tickling at his throat as a sudden warmness floods his cheeks, discomfort rolling in his stomach.

 

Jeonghan's overly dramatic splutter pulling him back down to earth, the older sounding thoroughly offended at the attitude he was on the receiving end of. 

 

"Lee Chan!" He shrieks, "Quit being a brat and come help your hyung!"

 

```

 

_"Happy birthday Solie~!" Seungkwan sings as soon as the clock hits midnight, eyes twinkling as he presses a kiss to the younger's forehead, Hansol whining at the display of affection, cheeks rosy._

 

_"Kwannie!" The birthday boy squeaks, "Stop it-" Only to pause mid-sentence, brows furrowed and nose scrunched as he looks quizzically at his arm, almost hesitantly rolling his sweater sleeve up, eyes widening as an invisible force scrawled ink into the pale skin of his wrist, pitch black vibrant on its milky canvas._

 

_"Oh my god!" Seungkwan chirps, "I totally forgot that you'd receive your mark today!" Grabbing his friend's arm as they watch the final stoke be laid, the lettering thick and blocky, and Hansol swears his heart stops when he recognizes the name now forever on his skin, as it was none other than his doe-eyed hyung, the handwriting one Hansol now knew he'd seen before._

 

_"It's...It's hyung," He whispers in disbelief, "It's Seungcheol-hyung..."_

_"No it's not," Seungkwan corrects, "It clearly says Jeonghan and Jisoo's names," The blonde pointing to the airy, slightly sloppy writing that read their angelic hyung's name, before gesturing to the neat, finely printed lettering that read the LA born's._

 

_"What? No it doesn't-" But Seungkwan's gasp interrupts him, his words dying on his tongue as he looks down, heart hammering away in his chest._

 

_"Wen Junhui, Kwon Soonyoung, Jeon Wonwoo, Lee Jihoon..." Seungkwan reading out the names in an oddly similar fashion to their fanchants, each name on his best friend's wrist making him more and more antsy, hope flickering as he soon realized that he too might see his own name listed there too._

 

_"Lee Seokmin, Kim Mingyu," Hansol murmurs, "Xu Minghao," The Chinese characters slanted a bit, which Hansol found endearing._

 

_"And me," Seungkwan says in a soft voice, "And me Sol." The younger turning to face his best friend-correction, soul mate with a shy smile, ears red as he bashfully nods, making Seungkwan chuckle as he leans forward to press a gentle kiss to Hansol's lips, eye smile wide._

 

_"So, we're soulmates?" Hansol asks, and Seungkwan holds his arm up, where Hansol soon recognizes his own handwriting with a shaky laugh, a wave of relief washing over him._

 

_"I'd sure say so," He responds, "Wouldn't you, my soulmate~?"_

 

```

 

"—Channie! Earth to Lee Chan!" Chan wincing at the loudness of his hyung's voice, his hands stilling in the kneading of their homemade dough, as Tuesday nights were always "make your own pizza and watch movies" night, an activity that Chan actually dreaded, but his hyungs loved it, thus by default, so did he.

 

"Stop being so fucking loud," He swears under his breath, "I'm paying attention _now_ ," The older of the two in the process of chopping up the sausage used for toppings. "What do you want?"

 

"Nothing," Jeonghan replies cheekily, "Just wanted to hear your voice!" And Chan has to hold a whimper back, ink burning as he bites back a smile, eyes drifting to where Jeonghan's own ink lays, all twelve names beautifully unique, a masterpiece that Chan bears too.

 

"You're so dumb hyung," He mutters, though the fondness it poorly disguised, "How do the others manage to put up with you?"

 

_How would've I put up with you?_

 

"I'm hurt!" The older cries, clutching his heart, "Just because you don't have anyone to love you doesn't mean that applies to me!" Horror crossing his face when he realizes what he's just said, immediate guilt washing over him as he sees the maknae's face fall, though it soon turns to stone in a very obviously feigned uncaring, a frightening slip up Jeonghan wishes he hadn't have seen, the way that Chan's eyes flicker to his wrist making his heart heart. The longing in the younger's dark pools clear as day.

 

"I-I didn't mean-" He starts to stammer, apology ready, but Chan shrugs, nonchalant as ever, even though he's quite obviously been wounded by Jeonghan's unintentional jab.

 

"It's fine hyung," Though the way he spits those words out most certainly do not sound fine, "You were only joking, I know you didn't mean anything by it." The crisscrossing web of silvery scars on his wrist almost glaring at Jeonghan, the memories of when they found the younger blood soaked and battered resurfacing once again, a sight that all twelve will never be able to unsee, forever burned in their minds.

 

"But-But I-"

 

"I said it's fine," Chan repeats patiently, "Now let's finish up what we've started."

 

```

 

_It hurts, the crimson droplets splattering into the ivory sink messily, Chan's hand shaking as he winces, the pulling sting making more tears roll down his reddened cheeks. But he doesn't dare stop the movements, he still had two more names left to go, the rushed lettering of Hansol's name and the wispy font of Seungkwan's stubbornly sticking, even after he attacked them with his blade, which goes to show just how deep their bond really went._

 

_"It's for the best," He murmurs quietly, the tinge of copper in the air slightly nauseating, "It's for the best and you know it," Though his words have little effect, the rational side of him begging him to stop, that the others would surely accept him, that they loved him even._

 

_He grips the glinting metal tighter, its light weight oddly grounding, before pressing it once more to the soft flesh of his arm, breathing heavy as he drags, the warmth running down his elbow before falling to the tiled flooring. Chan repeating the action at least ten more times until he can no longer make out the names that once were, a numbness swallowing him whole, stained hands turning the faucet shakily as he watches the red dilute to pink before disappearing entirely. The wounds sickening to look at, Chan holding a hand towel to them in a fruitless attempt to mop up the heavy bleeding, head fuzzy._

 

_"Please," He whispers, "Please just stop-" The sound of the door forcefully being torn off its hinges startling him so badly that the rag drops, the dizziness he's experiencing having him stumble forward slightly._

 

_"Chan!"_

 

```

 

"Look Hoonie!" Soonyoung chirps, "I made a heart for you!" The shorter boy snorting at the pepperoni heart the performance unit leader had messily constructed on his pizza dough, the shape honestly more teardrop shaped than circular, though still adorable in his eyes.

 

"I see," He replies, almost as though he were talking to a toddler rather than a twenty-two year old man, "It's very cute." Jihoon's praise having the older grin, eyes curving as he giggles happily, Wonwoo rolling his eyes at his boyfriend's silliness, Jun's grabby arms wrapped around his torso as his own pizza dough creation sits untouched.

 

"Awww, how come I didn't get a pepperoni heart too?" Seokmin whines, looking over at Soonyoung's masterpiece with a pout, Minghao and Mingyu simply shaking their heads as they watch the oven timer, the 95'line bustling about as they lay out the checkered picnic blanket in front of the TV, Seungkwan and Hansol pouring soda in everyone's solo cup while Chan is busy taking the chicken wings out of their packaging, brows creased in concentration. 

 

"We literally made you a butterfly out of ham, sausage links, and salami." Minghao deadpans, but Seokmin just shrugs, and Mingyu grins wolfishly at his smiley boyfriend.

 

"Yeah, but a heart is so much more romantic Hao~" The lead vocalist batting his eyelashes jokingly, "You guys made me a bug." And Jihoon snorts, Soonyoung cackling as Hansol looks up at his partners with a crooked smile, Seungkwan howling with laughter.

 

"Oi!"

 

"I'm kidding Hao, I love what you guys made me." Seokmin pressing a kiss to the Chinese male's cheeks, smirking when he sees how red the tips of his elfish ears are, "Really, I do."

 

"Fuck you Minnie, fuck you,"

 

"Tonight Hao," Jun jokes, "Tonight."

 

```

 

_"I'm sorry, I-I-" But Jisoo shushes him, Seungcheol pulling the maknae over to the tub's edge and sitting him down, Jihoon frowning as he surveys the damage their youngest had inflicted upon himself, Wonwoo hovering wordlessly by the door. A frantic Jeonghan searching under the sink for the first aid kit, Soonyoung and Junhui tasked in occupying the younger members._

 

_"It's okay baby, we're not mad." The LA born assures sweetly, and his tone of voice causes the name that he'd destroyed to ache, though that could just be his cuts, he really doesn't know. "We just need to fix you up, then we'll talk—how's that sound?" And Chan can only weakly nod in response, biting his lip as Jihoon presses down on his wounds harder, the tiny male starting to really worry now, as the bleeding still wasn't slowing._

 

_"Guys, I think we need to call the manager," Jihoon murmurs, face scrunched with worry, "The cuts most likely require stitches," Chan's breath hitching in his throat at those words, dread filling his stomach as he can already picture how that'll end up going down, the disappointed gaze of their manager sending a shiver down his spine._

 

_"No!" He blurts, Wonwoo raising a brow at his objection, "I'm fine, really. I just need to wrap them up and I'll be good to go." Wonwoo sighing as he makes his way over to the shaking boy, crouching in front of him, laying a gentle hand on his thigh as he prepares to speak._

 

_"No, no you aren't Channie," Eye contact unwavering,  "You aren't fine, I mean, just look at yourself." His words, while perhaps harsh, are true, and Chan realizes this, a sob tearing from his chest before he can hold it back, tears clouding his vision._

 

_"But-But-" He chokes, "I didn't mean to go this far, I swear I wasn't trying to actually hurt myself," Though he knows it certainly doesn't appear as such, as Jeonghan scoffs, turning to him with a bitter sneer._

 

_"Yeah right," The older spits, "As if cutting yourself to fucking shreds isn't "trying to hurt yourself"!"_

 

_"Jeonghan!" Seungcheol cries, Jisoo rubbing Chan's back as he sniffles, Wonwoo glaring at the self-proclaimed angel with a scowl._

 

_"I'm sorry! I'm sorry hyungs! I-I just wanted to fix everything, I didn't intend to let myself go, I-" He stumbles, that last little detail slipping out accidentally, eyes dropping to the still splattered tiling, all five other people in the room with him boring holes into him with their staring, Chan fidgeting uncomfortably until Jihoon hisses at him to stop, towel still firmly in place._

 

_"What? What do you mean by that Channie?" Jeonghan asks, though his tone is softer this time around, dark eyes teary, "What happened...?"_

 

_"I got my mark," Is all Chan replies with, "I had to get rid of it, I just had to." The horror of what exactly it is that he's saying causing them all to pale, as the taboo of trying to deliberately rid oneself of a soulmate mark was one that was generally recognized as the unthinkable, because why would you ever reject the love of your life?_

 

_"Oh, oh Channie," Jeonghan cries, "Why? Why would you do such a thing?"_

 

_Chan doesn't reply that time._

 

```

 

"Channie~" Seungcheol calls cutely, "Come sit in my lap!" The maknae flushing at the leader's words, but complies nonetheless, getting up from the blanket to join his hyung with a small smile, a pleasant warmth rushing to his cheeks as he situates himself in the leader's strong arms, smiling as Seungcheol plays with his hands, heart beating fast.

 

"Channie,"

 

"Hmm?" Gaze focused on the screen, not really paying too much attention to the older boy.

 

"Is your wrist...okay?" The hesitancy in Seungcheol's voice odd, yes, but Chan doesn't think too much about it.

 

"Yeah? Why wouldn't it be-" Fear flooding his body as he looks down to wrist, the faded but still discernible lettering of a name long erased standing out on his skin, the urge to puke his pizza rather strong.

 

"No, no, no," 

 

"Channie, baby, breathe-"

 

"I got rid of it, so why?! Why is it back?! I don't understand!" He screams, everyone now turning to him, concern shining in their eyes, Seungcheol swallowing back his own as he clings to the maknae's quaking form, trembling like a bunny.

 

"Chan, it's okay, it's _o-kay_ ,"

 

"No! You don't get it! It's not okay, it's not!" Chan's heart seizing up and it actually feels like he's dying, everything blurring as he fights against Seungcheol's grasp, "It's not-"

 

And then everything goes a horrible, horrible pitch black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> o h w o w  
> i really didn't expect this to be a liked fic, so thank u all sm!
> 
> warnings for thoughts of wanting to self-harm(?) in the beginning

The first thing Chan does when he awakes is immediately pull down his sleeve, noticing how he's been changed into his nightshirt and sweats presumably by either Jeonghan and Jun, a horrible guilt washing over him when he realizes that there's absolutely no way they didn't notice the self-inflicted wounds littered around his thighs, a slip up he truly had not intended for to happen.

 

_But had he really? One can only "unintentionally" cut so many times before someone is bound to become suspicious._

 

The maknae's heart dropping when he sees the name that's very obviously back again, it's placement over the thick scar tissue giving it a ghoulish affect, slightly bumpy and uneven. 

 

_You have a blade, it's hidden under the mattress, remember? For "just in case."_

 

He whimpers, blunt fingernails digging into thesoft flesh of his forearm as he kicks the covers off, only to be stopped before he has the chance to do anything potentially damaging.

 

"Where do you think you're going?" Jun's accented voice raspy as though he'd been crying, Chan's eyes meeting the bloodshot ones of his hyung's momentarily, as he quickly averts his gaze, the sight making him feel all the more guilty.

 

"I-I...nowhere," He replies hesitantly, "...I'm sorry hyung," Apology spilling out without any prompting, because Chan knew damn well it was the older who had changed him, which meant that yeah, he definitely saw the not so pretty side of Chan in the full.

 

"But are you really Channie?" Jun's words lacking bite, more than likely too emotionally drained to scold the younger, "Because I'm pretty sure that you'd promised you'd quit after we found you that night." His handsome face screwing up at the reminder of that painful memory, the sounds of Chan's soft sobbing still fresh in his mind as the group all rode in a deadly silence to the ER, Jihoon's tiny hands shaking as they pressed down on the maknae's wounds.

 

"I'm sorry," Chan repeats again, "I won't do it again, really, I won't." Though he himself wouldn't buy the shit he's saying for a single second, and by the look of Jun's frown, the older doesn't either.

 

"I want to believe you, I _really_ do," Jun says, "But we found your blades." And god does Chan wish he'd actually had the guts to off himself when he had the chance, because no way in hell would his hyungs let him anywhere near anything that could be used for such ever again, not after finding his secret stash.

 

"I wasn't going to ever use them again," He whispers, "They're only there for emergency reasons, I swear."

 

"The fact that you fucking kept them for your bullshit "emergency reasons" tells me everything Chan!" The volume of Jun's rambling only growing louder and louder as he continues, "I may be considered dumb in the eyes of you natives, but I am no fool when it comes down to being able to see that you're clearly destroying yourself!" Breathing heavy by the end of his sentence, pupils blown wide in anger, and Chan can practically see the hurt radiating off the older's shaking shoulders, Jun's jaw clenched in a telltale sign of his exasperation for the whole situation. The sound of heavy footsteps having both males pause as the door to their shared bedroom slams open, and soon Jun is being lead away by Jeonghan and Seungcheol, the leader's doe eyes flickering over to Chan's quivering form with an air of indifference, an unrecognizable emotion swimming in his dark orbs.

 

"That's enough Jun, let's let Chan sleep," Jeonghan's grip firm as he steers the Chinese boy away, Chan flinching under Seungcheol's prying gaze, the oldest simply offering a small smile as he heads for the bedroom door as Chan tries not to stare too terribly long at what he recognizes as his own name on Seungcheol's wrist, the tiniest flicker of hope blossoming in his chest.

 

"Sleep well Channie," He murmurs, "We'll be right here waiting for you when you wake up."

 

```

 

"Do you think Hao would be pissed if I send him thotty Kermit pics?" Is what Chan is unfortunate enough to be greeted with upon pulling himself out of bed, sandy hair sticking up all over the place, his cheeks rosy from sleep, Hansol sitting on the sofa with a bowl of cereal in one hand while the other scrolls though his camera roll.

 

"What. The. Actual. Fuck. Sol." And Hansol cackles, gummy smile on full display, Chan shaking his head as he plops down next to the older boy, "How dare you make me hear that with my own two ears," Chan truthfully relieved to still have some sense of normalcy in place with the rapper, as the hyungs treating him as though he were glass was beginning to become uncomfortable.

 

"Sorry," He replies with a grin, "But I needed a second opinion to back me up just in case Hao decides to press end on our relationship when I hit send on these absolute beautes." Chan humming as he opens his mouth for the oncoming spoonful of cheerios, only vaguely wondering how Hansol could remain so calm after last night's fiasco.

 

"God you're an idiot," Chan mutters, "I can almost guarantee that hyung will dump your meme ass if you actually choose to text him that," 

 

"That is a risk I am willing to take," Hansol says with a salute, Chan rolling his eyes as he watches the older hit send, leaning his head against Hansol's shoulder with a sigh, Hansol's phone dinging almost instantaneously. 

 

"Rest in peace Chwe Hansol, you will be missed." And Hansol snorts, turning the phone screen so that Chan could also see, some part of him swearing that Hansol was only doing this to distract him, though he has to say that it's working if that's so.

 

**handsoap:**

**handsoap:** me @ you

 

**hoe(hao):**

**hoe(hao):**  a rare pic of me taken moments before i ended it all

 

"As I said before, rest in peace Chwe Hansol, a moron who was killed by his string bean of a boyfriend." Hansol cackling madly as he claps his hands in a seal-like fashion, a look of utter glee gracing his features, face bare and unfiltered.

 

"Bro, and I was supposed to bottom tonight too," He snorts, "I really do have a death wish, don't I?" Chan flushing at his seemingly casual words, spluttering as Hansol leans in close, their noses mere inches apart.

 

"I'm kidding Channie," He teases, "But it's good to see you display an emotion besides sadness for once,"

 

"Stop being corny," Chan murmurs, "...But thank you I guess?" Hansol's warm laughter making his heart skip a beat, a familiar sensation bubbling in his chest, the urge to look at his wrist one he desperately hopes doesn't mean what he thinks it means.

 

"No problem dude," Hansol replies, "Seeing you lighten up makes me happy."

 

```

 

"Are you going to wait for him to approach you or are you going to confront him?" Jisoo asks Seungcheol, the two hovering near the living room hallway, not wanting to scare Chan away, though Hansol seemed to busy occupying their sweet maknae for that to happen.

 

Seungcheol sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose as he shrugs, "I'll let him decide," He answers, "I mean, it's gotta be tough for him after all." Jisoo nodding his head in agreement, because the leader was right, it couldn't have been easy to see a name you thought you were free from once again engraved in your skin.

 

"Yeah," He says, "Perhaps you're right Cheol, perhaps you're right."

 

```

 

_"Mommy," A five-year-old Chan asks one night, chubby fingers pulling on his mother's nightgown lightly, his mother humming as she looks over her book at her son._

 

_"Yes, sweetie?" She replies, setting her book down after creasing the page, her hand reaching out to ruffle Chan's messy curls._

 

_"Why don't I have a name like you and Papa do?" Chan pointing to the nearly unintelligible scrawl of lettering on his mother's wrist, his mother's soft peals of laughter having him tilt his head much like a confused puppy, brows furrowed._

 

_"You're too little right now," She explains gently, "You'll get one when you're older baby," Chan's face lighting up at the prospect, gapped smile wide as he snuggles up closer to his Mommy, who scoots over so that he can burrow closer into her side._

 

_"When Momma? When?!" And Mrs. Lee shushes him with a small smirk, her son's enthusiasm endearing to witness, the innocence in his slanted eyes heartwarming, her motherly instinct to hold him close and never let go, to shield him from all the evils of the world. Though she's well aware of how impossible that wish is, memories of her own youth bittersweet on her tongue._

 

_"When you turn eighteen Channie," She says, "That's when you'll get your soulmate mark."_

 

_"Wait," Chan's rounded face scrunching in confusion yet again, "What's a soulmate?" Mrs. Lee internally groaning, though she knows her little boy is only curious, as most kindergarteners were, their gears always turning as they poked around for their place in the big wide world._

 

_"A soulmate is someone who you'll spend the rest of your life with," Pausing as she struggles to word her thoughts, but Chan beats her to it, outside voice squealing in realization._

 

_"Like you and Papa?!"_

 

_"Yeah," She grins, pinching her baby boy's rounded cheeks, "Just like me and Papa."_

 

```

 

"I...I need to go to the bathroom," Chan tripping over his words in slew of his embarrassment, Hansol whining in protest as he wraps his arms tighter around the maknae's waist, mumbling something into the soft warmth of his nightshirt.

 

"But we just settled down," He grumbles, pout on his lips, "Can't you wait just a little bit longer, please?" Chan rolling his eyes at the older's begging, the hotness in his cheeks having him desperately wanting to hide away in the bathroom, the silence of being alone something he was more than used to, a coping skill for him so to say.

 

_I'm not used to being the subject of your affection, so I'm really not sure as how to respond after being by myself for so long._

 

"Sol I will literally pee myself if you do not let go of me," His threat obviously lacking true intent yes, but needless to say it did indeed work on the other boy, as he yelps like a scolded pup, almost shoving Chan off at the younger's words.

 

"Gross!" Hansol gags loudly, "Go! Go! Go!" Though he's clearly teasing all the same, "I don't want the hyungs questioning as why our sofa smells like piss!"

 

```

 

_"I'm so sorry!" Mrs. Lee apologizes, ears pink, absolutely positively mortified at the current situation, Chan clinging to her leg as he hangs his head low, but elderly man simply chuckles, brushing it off all too easily—perhaps used to stirring up such questions._

 

_"It's fine," He replies, crows feet dotting around his twinkling eyes, beckoning for Chan to come out, smile kind. "Your boy's just curious is all." The silly face he pulls next causing Chan to giggle, the man patting his head with a hum. "I mean, he's probably never seen someone without a soulmate mark before, am I right?"_

 

_Though before Mrs. Lee has the chance to respond, Chan butts in loudly, his voice high as he chatters about._

 

_"Yeah! You're right!" His volume only toning down when his mothers hisses at him, Chan sheepishly mumbling a tiny "sorry" before once again beaming at the man. "So why don't you?" Not noticing the small waver in the man's smile, his eyes dimming for the briefest of seconds._

 

_"Well," He begins, slowly as he picks and chooses the appropriate words to explain such a concept to such a young child, "My soulmate, well, she didn't want me." Chan frowning at the notion, clearly not making the connection, all his prior knowledge his mother had told him suddenly contradicted._

 

_"But, why?" He asks, "Soulmate's are supposed to love each other, my Mommy told me so."_

 

_"Well sometimes it's difficult for them," The man ruffling Chan's hair, "But as long as you know that you're loved, I find it doesn't matter if your soulmate does or doesn't feel the same."_

 

```

 

"You okay in there?" Jihoon's calls, fists pounding the wooden door with more force than required, "Hansol asked me to come check on you," Jiggling the doorknob upon receiving no reply, a flash of panic running through him before he beats it down, knowing that freaking out was the last thing they needed right now.

 

"I'm fine hyung," Chan finally answers, voice muffled, the sound of the toilet flushing weirdly relieving, "Just give me a sec," Which Jihoon does, tapping his foot to a random tune as he patiently stands outside the door, nearly giving himself whiplash when the lock clicks open, Chan shooting him a bashful smile as he wipes his hands on his sweats.

 

"Wait, you actually waited for me?" The maknae's laughter infectious as Jihoon can't help but chuckle too, "You didn't have to do that Hoonie,"

 

"Yeah, but maybe I wanted too anyways," The little composer grumbles, his feigned annoyance rather obvious, "And don't you dare tell the others, you hear me brat?"

 

"Of course hyungie~!"

 

```

 

"Channie!" Seungkwan coos, welcoming the younger back with a bear hug, grabbing ahold of his hand as he pulls him to the couch, the TV blaring the opening credits of fucking  _Naruto_ of all things, Hansol grinning at the two as they soon join him, the mostly fluent English speaker still texting away.

 

"Let go of me Kwan," He complains, "Also, question,"

 

"Shoot,"

 

"Why the hell are we watching  _Naruto_?!"

 

"Oh, because Sol's dumbass decided to bombard the group chat with sexy Sasuke photos," Seungkwan answers, "So now Seokmin is making us re-watch it for "science", whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean."

 

"Huh-" But Seungkwan simply shoves his phone in Chan's face.

 

"This is what I mean."

 

 **handsoap:** ngl, i would totally go full sugar baby for our lord and savior sasuke-kun

 **handsoap:** chidori my heart?

 **handsoap:** no thanks! 🙅🙅🙅

 **handsoap:** but my dick

 **handsoap:** fuck yES!!! 👅

 

 **tall fucker:** hansol

 **tall fucker:** my man

 **tall fucker:** are you ok?

 **tall fucker:** like for reals

 

 **handsoap:** lmao no

**handsoap:**

**handsoap:** i mean just look at him

**handsoap:**

**handsoap:** he's everything i'm not 😭

 

 **anime tiddies expert:** you're right

 **anime tiddies expert:** you're nothing in comparison to sasuke

 

 **touchy feely:** skskskkskSKSKSKKS

 

 **weewoo:** but like where's the lie?

 **weewoo:** even i would submit to uchiha-san

 

 **possibly satan:** pls stop referring to sasuke in honorifics

 **possibly satan:** it's fucking weird

 

 **moon cat:** owo

 **moon cat:** what's this i smell?

 **moon cat:** bottom *cough* _uke_ *cough* wonwoo???

 

 **hoe(hao):** bEGONE THOT

 **hoe(hao):** wonwoo bottoms for me and only ME

 

 **moon cat:** possessive much?

 **moon cat:** don't worry tho

 **moon cat:** i like it ;)

 

 **beautiful boy:** daddy...

 

 

 **soup:** already on it!

_**soup** has removed **moon cat** from the chat_

 

 **beautiful boy:** thank you sm hyung! 😇

 

 **soup:**  np! ☺️

 **soup:** anything for my baby boy! 💕💕💕

 

 **hoe(hao):**

 

 **possibly satan:** way to ruin the moment hao

 

"Wonderful," Chan says dryly, "Just wonderful." Hansol having rolled off of the cushions and onto the floor, clutching his stomach as he kicked about, Seungkwan fighting to keep a straight face himself, Chan's own lips twitching ever so slightly in amusement.

 

"It's deeply concerning that some part of me knows that within your heart of hearts, you're actually half serious," The vocalist says with a deep, deep sigh, "Or am I just making an assumption here?"

 

Hansol scoffs, "You think I'm only _half_ serious?" And Chan can already tell how this is going to end, "I'm _100%_ down for getting my ass obliterated by Sasuke!"

 

Needless to say, Hansol truly did deserve that punch.

 

```

 

"Goodnight Solie," Chan whispers, his lazing around all day wearing him out, "Sleep well," Seungkwan already sound asleep on the sofa, snoring softly, Chan lovingly watching as he curls and uncurls his fists much like a newborn baby would.

 

"Goodnight Channie," Hansol whispers, Chan staring at him quizzically as the older boy comes closer, "...I love you." Chan arching a brow at that out of the blue proclamation, before everything dawns on him, Hansol rolling his sleeve up to reveal Chan's lettering inked into his pale skin.

 

"No," Is all he can stammer in reply, not sure if he should feel relief at his sudden numbness to the confession or pure horror, "No, you don't—you _can't..."_ Backing away slowly and somehow calmly, though his almond eyes do in fact hold a hint of fear, the thought of being loved too foreign and unfamiliar for him to deal with at this time of night, chest tightening up in a panic he shoves down and bottles away the best that he can.

 

"Shh, it's okay Channie," Hansol soothes, "Calm down or else Cheol and the others will hear us," His words having Chan blink as he breathes in through his nose, appeasing the older by "steadying" himself before he can have the dreaded full blown panic attack, biting back a scoff at Hansol's unnecessary concern, as he truthfully wasn't reacting _that_ badly.

 

"Sorry," He murmurs, and Hansol reaches out a hand, which Chan reluctantly accepts after much internal debate, the skin to skin contact making him shiver.

 

"It's fine, and I'm sorry for scaring you," Hansol biting his already bruised lower lip, "But...but if you seriously think that I _don't_ love you, you're totally wrong." Chan's cheeks heating up at that, butterflies tickling his stomach, "I've loved you since we first met." And Chan's hit with the overwhelming urge to cry, because now nothing was making any sense, not at fucking all.

 

"So, will you please let me?" Hansol asks, and Chan can see the nervousness clear as day on his face, "I mean if you don't want to then that's cool too-"

 

"I'll give you an answer tomorrow," He replies, "I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the chansol vlive heckin DESTROYED ME,,,so this kinda happened lol
> 
> remember kids, feedback is hella :)))


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao i'm back and i am ready to be more chaotic than ever ;)
> 
> warnings for sexual humor ???  
> warnings for flashbacks to self-harm (sol remembers everything like it happened yesterday so we kinda sad)

"Channie, wake up~" Seungkwan singsongs, lightly tapping the younger boy's shoulder, "It's time for breakfast~" And Chan groans, rolling over so escape the older, clutching the covers tight to his bare chest.

 

"Go away," He murmurs sleepily, "I'm trying to sleep," Seungkwan scrunching his nose before ripping the comforter off of the maknae without any warning whatsoever, said male shrieking as he frantically tries to cover himself up, because being topless meant the vocalist could potentially see his newly inked soulmate marks, which was a major no-no for Chan.

 

"Kwannie!" Seungkwan raising a brow at the unusual response, a part of him wondering if going to fetch was Jun was perhaps needed in such a situation, you know, just in case Chan had found a way to hurt himself. Which that in itself is a thought that has Seungkwan's stomach twisting itself into knots from a mixture of guilt and worry, admittedly ashamed that his mind automatically landed on self-injury as being a possibility for the maknae's reaction, while at the same time knowing it was indeed plausible upon looking at Chan's prior history. Quickly glancing over Chan's body as he allows the younger boy a chance to secure the covers around himself, the urge to ask if he was in fact okay sitting on the tip of his tongue, Seungkwan too afraid it might trigger something if he were to voice his concerns.

 

And Chan must be able to sense this, as he lets out a deep sigh before gesturing the older to come sit next to him, a small grin on his face as he pats the open spot beside him, Seungkwan nervously shuffling over at the invitation, his timid appearance having Chan's expression falter, though if only for the briefest of seconds, as he doesn't want to worry the elder any more than necessary.

 

"You know that it's okay to ask me questions hyung," Chan's voice soft as he leans his head on Seungkwan's shoulder, "I _won't_ break, I'm alright, _really_." And it's true, he is fine, or at least for now he's fine. "I just...." He trails off, the warmth of another human more than comforting after having pushed them away for so long, "I'm just overwhelmed, you know?"

 

Seungkwan hums, "Yeah, I can see why," It's understandable, hell, if he were to go through what Chan's going through, well, he'd probably be a wreck himself.

 

He coughs awkwardly, "Anyways, thanks for caring hyung," His mood suddenly shifting as he once again feels that horribly familiar ache creep its way around his wrist, a sick taste in his mouth as he chews on his lower lip, not wanting to give away the panic gripping at his insides.

 

"Of course Channie, of course." Seungkwan says with a smile, reaching out to ruffle Chan's already messy locks, the love in his warm eyes having the youngest want to retch, "Hyung's always here to listen!"

 

```

 

"Can you...not?" Wonwoo groggily mumbles, sloppily spooning up his sad egg and cheese mixture with a frown, Seokmin's attempt to cook his partners breakfast rather pitiful in all honesty. Their chopsticks long since abandoned, as the food was far too runny to be picked up properly, but they wouldn't dare tell him that, instead improvising with plastic cutlery from the nearby corner store.

 

And sure enough, Minghao and Mingyu were more than capable to have found a way to fuck up their peaceful mealtime, with the two 97' liners shelling their egg globs into the spoons and lobbing them at each other, but Jisoo was quick to confiscate their homemade catapults before Jeonghan could blow a fuse, so it _wasn't_ all that _bad_  one could argue.

 

"Huh? Can I what now?" Soonyoung asks with a comical tilt of his head, his cheeks puffed from the sheer amount of rice they held, his nightshirt stained with yellow yolk, and Wonwoo mentally facepalms.

 

"...Never mind," He mutters, pushing his glasses up subconsciously, "C'mon here though," Setting his spoon down when Soonyoung scoots closer, still chewing as Wonwoo wipes his egg speckled face, Soonyoung whining but not making any efforts to escape the rapper's hold either.

 

"There," Wonwoo says with a small smile, "Much better." Pressing a kiss to his boyfriend's cheek, Soonyoung flushing bright red as he's left a stuttering mess, Minghao sniggering at his hyung while Mingyu awes, Jisoo murmuring something about no PDA unless everyone was included, his pretty lips set in a deep pout.

 

"W-Wonwoo-"

 

"Finish up kids," All four of them whipping their heads around to see none other than a smirking Yoon Jeonghan flanked by a half-naked, hickey-ridden Choi Seungcheol. "We're going out today, Jisoo's treat." Said male shooting the older a withering glare, Jeonghan simply beaming at Jisoo as Seungcheol tugs on the blonde's sleeve, the apples of his cheeks dusted a pale pink.

 

"Fuck you Yoon!" Jisoo bites back, "I hope you choke the next time you give head!"

 

"Joshuji!" Jeonghan dramatically gasps, "There are _babies_ present!" Minghao already pushing his chair out as soon as those words leave Jeonghan's mouth, Mingyu and Soonyoung quick to hold him back, because one could never be sure if the Chinese boy would actually make do on his threats.

 

"J-Jeonghannie-" Seungcheol pulling once again on Jeonghan's sleeve, an uneasy and somewhat pained expression on his features, "Can I-"

 

"Hush Cheolie, Daddy's busy." 

 

"But-"

 

"Daddy's busy Cheolie." Jeonghan's voice firm, "Now back to you Shua-"

 

"No!" Seungcheol cutting off the vocalist by stomping down hard on his foot, Jeonghan yelping as Seungcheol finally gets him to pay attention to and only him. "Give. Me. The. Remote." Jeonghan visibly paling before their eyes, Jisoo looking glancing from one 95' liner to the next, the gears in his heads spinning as he realizes what the implications mean for him.

 

"Well, you see...." Jeonghan backing away from the older slowly, "I...I uh kinda lost it?"

 

"You what?!"

 

"I'm sorry!" Jeonghan cries, "I can help you get it out-"

 

"Don't you _dare_ finish that sentence." Seungcheol hisses, turning to Jisoo with a terrifying yet doll-like smile. "Jisoo, be a dear and either go get the lube or kill Jeonghan."

 

"HYUNG WHAT THE FUCK?!"

 

```

 

 **touchy feely:** y'all the hyungs are some kinky motherfuckers 

 **touchy feely:** like we been knew

 **touchy feely:** but like

 **touchy feely:** dAMN

 

 **I can be your angle....or yuor devil:** fuck off soonyoung

 **I can be your angle....or yuor devil:** literally every single one of us knows that you have a praise kink

 **I can be your angle....or yuor devil:** + this is a kink-shaming free zone 😘

 

**weewoo:**

**weewoo:** oh yeah

 **weewoo:** is cheol okay?

 **hoe(hao):** his ass probably ain't

 **hoe(hao):** also please never call yourself "Daddy" in front of us ever again

 

**beautiful boy:**

**beautiful boy:** umm....

 

 **tall fucker:** hoe nO

 **tall fucker:** *hoe

 **tall fucker:** fuck

 **tall fucker:** i meant

 **tall fucker:** *hoe

 **tall fucker:** i-

 **tall fucker:** whatever

 **tall fucker:** same difference 

 

**hoe(hao):**

 

 **soup:**...............

 **soup:** n e ways

 **soup:** yes, i'm okay

 **soup:** and yes, that includes my ass too

 **soup:** anyhow

 **soup:**  putting that whole fiasco aside

 

 **I can be your angle....or yuor devil:** don't you mean

 **I can be your angle....or yuor devil:** fi  **✨** 𝓪𝓼𝓼 ✨ co?

 

 

**soup:**

 

 **beautiful boy:** stop being such a meanie jeonghannie! ( *๑•̀ロ•́๑)」

 **beautiful boy:** do i need to bring up that time you and kwannie had your own sex toy mishap?

 **beautiful boy:** because you know that i can ¬‿¬

 

 **I can be your angle....or yuor devil:** seok nO

 

 **boob:** don't you dARE LEE SEOKMIN

 

 **beautiful boy:** then how about you leave hyung alone! ( -`︿ ´- ✿)

 **beautiful boy:** because if you don't...

 **beautiful boy:** then i'm gonna spill! ( ＾◡＾)っ ♡

 

 

 **boob:** but i haven't even sAID ANYTHING YET!

 **boob: +** i have zERO control over what hannie's bitch ass chooses tO SAY 😡😡😡

 

 **I can be your angle....or yuor devil:** fuck you too boo

 

 **possibly satan:** lmao he said "yet"

 

 **I can be your angle....or yuor devil:** shut up satan

 

Hansol fondly rolling his eyes as he skimmed his boyfriend's messages, the sound of a soft knock on his door having him jump, thanking the heavens that Soonyoung was spending his day with Jihoon in the composer's studio because god knows he needed more material for his chubby-cheeked boyfriend to tease him with. Hansol setting down his phone before hopping off his bed and throwing open the door, the rapper breaking out into a gummy smile when he sees Chan, the maknae's ears flushed pink, eyes trained on the ground below him. "Channie?"

 

"I-I'm here to give you your an-answer," Chan mentally cursing himself for allowing his emotions to get the best of him, his stutter a sure sign of just how nervous he really was, "Did I come at a bad time?" Hansol snapping out of his initial stupor, furiously shaking his head, his bangs falling into his eyes. "I can come back at another time if you want-"

 

"No!" Hansol's voice cracking, embarrassment coloring his cheeks, "Now is perfect," Quickly ushering the younger boy into his and Soonyoung's room, Chan snorting when he apologizes profusely for the current state it's in, Hansol shoving a pile of hopefully clean clothes off of his bed before plopping himself down, sheepishly patting the spot next to him, the ink on Chan's wrist having him wince. Something that unfortunately doesn't slip past the older, Hansol frowning as the mattress dips down under Chan's weight, his worry only intensifying when he notices the maknae rubbing at his wrists as though it pained him.

 

Hansol's heart dropping to the pit of his stomach as he automatically assumes the worst, memories of a pale-faced Junhui and Soonyoung rounding all of them up as the hyungs called their managers, Jeonghan's cheeks tearstained and his eyes tinged red, Jihoon's t-shirt splashed with a coppery red, Seungcheol cradling their youngest in his strong arms as the sound of an ambulance grew nearer, Chan's form impossibly tiny looking in their leader's hold. Hansol's words catching in his throat as he watched the hyungs whispers amongst themselves grow louder, Wonwoo's face solemn as he replaced the rag wrapped around Chan's arm, the blood showing no intention of stopping anytime soon, Jihoon giving a nod to Jisoo to go ahead and start up one of the vans, Soonyoung cheeks damp with fresh tears as he and Junhui-

 

"-Sol? Hansol?"

 

"Sorry!" He yelps, causing Chan to giggle, "Spaced out for a second there, huh." Chan giggling again, his laugh making the older's heart flutter, the name inked on Hansol's skin tingling slightly. Chan leaning his head over on Hansol's shoulder as a comfortable silence washes over them, Hansol intertwining their hands together, the physical feeling of another willingly wanting to touch to him having Chan pulling away from fear of the unknown, Hansol immediately letting go as he stumbles over apology after apology.

 

"Shit, I'm so sorry!" His expression teetering between panicked and remorseful, "I should've asked before I did that-" The feeling of soft lips pressing a kiss to his cheek having him shutting up instantly, Chan's eyebrows furrowing as he bites at his lips, a warmth blooming in his heart as he moves in for another kiss. This time forcing Hansol to meet his eyes as he cups the rapper's face, Hansol's eyes widening as their lips met, Chan smiling into the kiss as he watched Hansol's eyelids flutter shut, the raven melting into the kiss with a whimper that has Chan's giggling against Hansol's lips. Who whines when Chan finally breaks the kiss, both of them blushing messes as they take a much-needed breather. Chan even going so far as to hold hands once more, the maknae bashfully mumbling something underneath his breath.

 

"Huh? What was that Channie?"

 

"Yes," Chan says, voice small, "My answer is yes."

 

"Wha-"

 

_"Yes, yes you can love me."_

 

\---

 

**handsoap:**

**handsoap:** me rn 😩✊💖

 

 **possibly satan:**  biTCH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll occasionally throw in little moments here and there, such as the soonwoo and jeongcheol moments you saw today - feel free to comment on a pairing you'd like to see have a cameo and i'll see what i can do! (و •̀ ᴗ•́ )و  
> \+ go n show ur support on my friend's story which is an [actual masterpiece yo](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19368151/chapters/46081438)
> 
> so yeah, chan gave his answer and i'm so proud of my baby boy for choosing to open his heart up solie :')
> 
> comments r rad (scream at me coward i daRE you)

**Author's Note:**

> to clarify, the members have been together since sol's 18th birthday, hence why Chan took it upon himself to try to destroy his marks the night of his own 18th birthday, as he didn't want to ruin an already "perfect relationship" :(
> 
> like always, feedback is super appreciated <3


End file.
